kyrieana

Down another 2lb, thats 6lb in a week or so..

Today I've eaten:
B: coffee w milk 25cals
banana 100cals
L: HM cabbage soup 85cals
with tsp pine nuts 35cals
S: 40g roast chicken 60cals
coffee w milk x3 75cals = 380cals

I also had a bite of chocolate cake thing... no idea how many cals in that... no more than 40.

For dinner I'm having sweet potato with cottage cheese:
130g sweet potato 100cals
70g cottage cheese is about 55cals I think.

I've lost about 3lbs in the past week or so.
I've been eating between 800 and 1700 cals a day, doing a tiny bit of exercise, walking abit, stretching, housework, that sort of thing.
I've been drinking a ton of water too, I'm so thirsty all the time.
I know I shouldn't be losing, but my scale said 18stone! My last scan sheet said I had a BMI of 45.6!!
45.6!!! For god's sake! It's disgusting.
I didn't mean for this to happen, I just couldnt finish a whole meal without feeling absolutely terrible!
I was full for hours after eating, cranky, lethargic. I got indigestion constantly, wind constantly.
I just meant to eat smaller meals more often. Then I tried to make them healthier, easier now since I've gone off chocolate and biscuits.
It's all gone a bit pear shaped now, I dont want to eat 2000+ cals a day, I dont think I could.
I want to exercise to ease childbirth, and the SPD. I'm trying to do it safely. I'll talk to the physiotherapist when I go about safe exercise.
I might mention the weightloss, but I'm not sure I could hide the fact I dont want to eat.

My good mood has gone, I feel sad that I'm alone. I've been excited about the baby, now I'm just confused.

I'm conducting an experiment...I'm cutting out everything bad from my diet after watching an icky program on the telly last night.
I'm doing this for 2 weeks, and I'll be updating regularly. I want to see the real effects of bad food on the body, other than weight.

Last night I ate so much cheese! I felt so bloated and gassy it was unbelievable... so, no cheese.

The Rules:
No hard cheese(limited cottage/feta allowed)
No white carbs
No sugar
No salt(added in cooking)
No bad fats
No processed foods
No meat(oily fish is allowed)
No milk
Limited dairy(yoghurts)
No alcohol
No fizzy drinks
No E-numbers/preservatives(very difficult)
No condiments: ketchup, may, mustard etc

Nuts/seeds everyday(handful)or
1 boiled egg white in place of nuts/seeds.
Varied fruit & veg(at least 5 portions a day)
Fish 3 times a week
3 litres(just over 6 pints) of water a day
3 cups coffee max per day.
6 small meals a day.
Varied Exercise 4 times a week for an hour(at least)
Vitamin supplemets everyday
Green/peppermint tea everyday

Today:
breakfast,
1/2 grapefruit,
1 yoghurt
cup coffee
about 100cals, feel good eating breakfast.

lunch, not really hungry, but i have to eat it now or I'll binge later.
salad of tomatoes, cucmber, peppers, carrot, grapes, green beans and pumpkin seeds.
dressed with vinegar, olive oil, pepper and herbs.
wow, difficult not to have mayo! or at least a little something to use as a dip...

about 215cals.. brought up by the olive oil and seeds, but theyre are very helpful calories. oilive oil is reputed to be one of the best foods u could eat, so..

snack,
one crispbread(white carbs i know, but SOMEONE ate all the wholemeal ones)
with marmite
about 32cals
Marmites brilliant, loads of vitamins in there and no unnatural preservatives!

dinner,
veg stirfry, broccoli, courgette, carrot, garlic, cabbage with colive oil and vinegar
banana for my sweet craving

B - 1/2 grapefruit
D - 1/2 tin tuna
- 4oz cucumber
- tsp ketchup
lots of coffee.
intake for today about 200cals! woot!
now i feel sick, ate too fast...lol

B - 1/2 grapefruit 40cals
- black coffee 20cals
L - 1 med carrot 40cals
S - 2 grapes 4cals
- 3 cm cubes cheese 50cals
- 1 slice apple 7cals
- 1 mini cheddar 25cals
D - 1 wholemeal cracker 27cals
S- stock cube soup 15cals

Total = 228!!

B- 90g melon 24cals
100ml orange juice 44cals
tea with milk 42cals
L- prawn salad:
70g prawns 50cals
tsp light mayo 20cals
tomato 40
cucumber 8
S- handful caramel-chocolate popcorn 200cals
tbsp 1/2 peanut butter 140cals
tsp chocolate spread 50cals
2 handfuls indulgence muesli 250cals
2 bits brown bread 210cals
tsp margerine 34cals
tsp cheese spread 40cals
1 tomato cup-a-soup 92cals
bite of white bread 10cals
3/4 packet of quavers 60cals
D- prawn sandwich:
80g prawns 60cals
2 tbsp light mayo 100cals
2 bits brown bread 210cals
1 1/2 sausages 115cals
bite of sweetcorn 5cals
2 tsp mashed potato 40cals
P- Smoothie:
1 large banana 120cals
1 large mango 110cals
100ml orange juice 44cals
100ml raspberry&pomegranate juice 45cals
1 yoghurt 60cals
Total= 2223

B - 1 slice seed bread toast 100cals
- margerine 35cals

S - 1/4 galia melon 24cals
- 3 strawberries 11cals

B - smoothie:
- banana 100cals
- 200ml milk 90cals
- coffee 10cals
- ice 0cals
= 200cals

L/D - 2 boiled eggs 180cals
- 3 crispbread 90cals
- 50g peanut butter 150cals
- salad: tomato 40cals
cucumber 6cals
lettuce 4cals
cheese 60cals
other - 70cals



Total= 800cals

Breakfast smoothie:

106g strawberries 32cals
90g galia melon 24cals
56g frozen banana 56cals
50ml orange juice 20cals
handful ice 0cals

B - smoothie 132cals.

S - 5 HM crisps 35cals

D - salad of romaine lettuce, cucumber, tomato, radish
with - lemon juice, olive oil, salt, pepper, cheese 100cals.
- ratatuollie 35cals
- bread, cheese, butter, herbs 75cals = 200cals

Coffee 30cals

Total = 397cals

B - 1/2 grapefruit 40cals
S - 2 grapes 4cals
- 1/4 apple 10cals
- sliver of cheese 5calsL
L - 2 pickles 10cals
- cucumber 10cals
- salsa 10cals
D - 1/4 carton soup 60cals
- Stock cube 15cals
- 2 crispbreads 30cals
- margerine 60cals
- small slice HM grain bread 80cals
S - 10 slices ham 140cals
Too drink:
- mint hot choc with coffee 100cals
- 2 cans Sprite 7cals
- 2 glasses wine 250cals
Total: 831

11am B - coffee 2
1pm D - can Lilt 10
1.30pm L - 4 grapes 8
- 1 strawberry 3
- tiny bit of yoghurt 5
- banana 100
4pm D - 3 tbsp pasta with chicken 130
- half a crispbread 15
5.30pm - HM crisps;
28g potato 38
2 tsp olive oil 86
Total consumed: 397

Too Come - bottle of wine 87 per 120ml=562.5
- can Sprite 3.5

S - 4 slices ham 56 cals

Total: 1019

I've just made this wicked smoothie, full of vitamins and potassium, which is an electrolyte, lost during exercise..so, good all round.

The one I made came to around a pint, and was 260cals.
140g banana. 140cals
80g cherries. 40cals.
200ml orange juice. 80cals.
Blend with ice and there you go.

it's so nice!

B - 2 black coffee, 1 sweetener = 10cals

L- tomato, lettuce, cucumber, turkey breast from sandwich = 55cals

S - gum = 15cals

to drink;
- Frappucino, tall, light = 220cals
- Fizz = 11cals

D - 1/4 carton soup = 65cals
- stock cube = 15cals

Total = 376

Exercise:
Walking (shopping) 2 hours = 580cals burnt
Rowing 10 mins = 168cals burnt
Cycling 10 mins = 102cals burnt
Weights 10 mins = 110cals burnt

Total = 960 burnt

So, I'm starting this up on here, just makes it easier..

B- one peach = 60cals
coffee = 5cals

L- 1/4 carton soup = 65cals
veg stock cube = 15cals
(too water down soup)

S- salsa = 4cals
gum = 10

D- Lilt Zero = 10cals!(where's diet gone?!)
%pints water = 0cals

Total so far = 169

Aim to have 150cals for dinner: veg, cottage cheese/egg white..

Ok, so ma mde me dinner, not too bad.

2 dessertspoons peas and carrots, boiled
roasted courgette, carrot, onion, garlic and pepper.
Little roast chicken.

dunno the cals... i need to make it myself i think

Thanks too the people who posted here... :)

Just wanted to write abit, and I'm abit wary of doing it on proanorexia because of all the trolls and 13yr olds wannarexics....
I feel fake just saying that...

I've barely eaten anything for the past few days, just a few veggies, a little protein, and lots of water and even more coffee!
No one's even noticed yet. People wouldn't be too fussed if they did, cos I'm so overweight, but I dont want my family getting all "are you alright?" on me.

Yesterday I was so upbeat. Today I'm really sad.
My ex came over the other night, to fix something on my pooter. He's messed me about so much, and I'm getting the feeling I've let him do it again. I promised myself I wouldn't cry... but he hasn't called, and I can't call him.

If he says "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that too happen" then I will die!! There's still apart of me that wants to stick up for him and understand him. But I just can't allow that anymore.
One good thing about it, is that all the girls that he hangs around with are all so slim. I hate the fucking lot of them, and one day, not only will I be smarter than them, I'l be thinner, prettier and sexier than them. Ok scratch that last one. If I'm having a really good day I can feel sexy...

I'm soo tired. I have to go and babysit in 15 minutes. I dont actaully have to do anything except watch tv and keep an ear out(?).... I'll be able to get some fruit and veg tomoro tho...ma couldnt get them with the shopping cos were so damn poor at the minute...

ok, enough of my .... going on about shite... it's good to remember I'm still controlled by depression.

I am a fat person. I am clinically obese. I have put on 4 stone in the past year.
My fat is repulsive, it layers so thick I can't see a hint of bone.
It jiggles and wobbles as I plod about, I've got pockets of flesh forming where they shouldn't.
My fat covers my body, obscures who I really am.
My mind is blurred, lost, useless, needing. I hate the way I look, the way I move. I hate how I can eat superflous calories without a pause.
I'm sick. I'm disgusting. Even the most loyal of men would have left by now, horrified.
There is so fat on my body it obscures my vision, my sense of self.
I need to control my life now.
I need to take control and find out who I really am underneath all this fat.
I want to peel it off, layer by layer, revealing a better, brighter, more beautiful, lighter and purer me.
Me!
I want it off! All of it! All the fat! Gone! And quickly. Seeing myself makes me sick!
I want to sweat it out!
I want to starve it off! I don't want to be "curvy", I don't want to be normal or average.
I want to be perfect. An angel!
Freed from physical shackles!
I could be so much more!
I'm sureof it. I'm sure of it!
I'll eat what I need. I eat what I need.
No more.
I'll shed these many pounds and emerge a queen.
Slim, slender, lean. The real me. The inner me.
Skin and beautiful bones.
Hunger and sweat will be my friends. Pain and cold my sisters.
I've never been able to stay in control.
Never been able to keep in sync.
I eat for purpose, not pleasure. When I am thin I will be perfect.